Shiv and SNIKT
by Unanon
Summary: Riddick from Pitch Black meets Logan from the X-Men Movie/Comic and general strangeness ensues. Chapter 3 is new!
1. They Meet

In those dark seedy corners of reality where stories rub elbows, strange things are known to have happened

Disclaimer - I don't own any of these characters, yada, yada.

Concept: - Riddick from Pitch Black and Logan from X-Men meet and discover a few things…..

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Of Shiv and SNIKT

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Chapter 1 - _They Meet_

In those dark seedy corners of reality where stories rub elbows, strange things are known to have happened. Little Davey Copperfield flies the occasional solemn kite with Charlie Brown, and Alice has been known to poke her inquisitive little nose into Anne Rice's Vampire Novels as well as the original script for The Matrix. Who else did you think gave them that 'down the rabbit hole/follow the white rabbit' idea…. not to mention the mirror "Through the Looking Glass" rip-off! Anyway, it is a well-known secret that, when characters are looking for a much-needed break from their respective realities, this is where they go. 

And this, my friends, is one of those times……. 

The bar, Satan's Bloodbucket, wasn't a very popular one, attractive mainly to the limited clientele who demanded a wide variety of imported beers on tap and the increased probability of a down and dirty fight breaking out at least twice a night. Its regulars guarded their barstools and booths with a fierce tenacity akin to complete and utter possession. Some of them had been going there for years, centuries even! Every seat was accounted for. If a newbie hardass showed up, fresh off the press or celluloid, he (or she) would have to acquire a seat through fists and bloodshed. It was a time-honored system and, besides, it provided a great deal of entertainment for those who had been there since the beginning of fiction! The writers of the late 20th and early 21st Centuries had been keeping the regulars entertained with their creations practically every night! It was a great time to be a tough guy….or gal. (Everyone had a deep, abiding respect for that Xena wench in the corner after what she ended up doing to the Marquis de Sade on the night of her arrival at Satan's Bloodbucket). Still, it was a rare thing for someone to lose his seat.

Given these facts, no one really paid much attention to Riddick when he first entered the bar. That is, until he gutted Rambo and kicked his sorry corpse out the door. As he took the newly vacated seat, his neighbor to the right slowly edged away, but the man to his left didn't budge.

"Bout time someone did that, kid." Logan said taking a swig from his beer. "Bastard was getting on my last nerve; I was tempted to do away with him myself and use his seat as a footstool."

"Fucker did not know who he was dealing with," Riddick spat out as he gestured his drink preference to the nervous bartender. Had this hairy runt just called him 'kid'?

"Name's Logan." The much shorter man extended a hand. 

"Riddick." The hardened con shook the proffered hand quickly and firmly. Didn't look like the tough little bastard was gonna let him drink in peace, so he would have to play nice for a while.

"You from a new story, Riddick?

"Couple of years old now. Movie."

"Movie!? Were you around before the movie, or because of the movie?"

"Because, I guess." Riddick took a longer look at the smaller man. "What did you say your name was again?"

"Logan. Some call me Wolverine."

"You from a movie too?"

"Only recently, started out as a comic book character."

"No Shit!?" Riddick turned in his seat toward the man next to him who was chewing on the end of a rather smelly cigar. He hadn't met a comic book character before.

"No Shit. From there I migrated into cartoons and fanfic… it's been especially bad since the movie."

"What, so you play a supervillian or something like that?"

"Nope, I'm one of the good guys." Logan grinned around his cigar. "Get to kick a surprising amount of ass that way too." 

"No shit." Riddick was at an obvious lack for words. "So what makes you so tough?"

"These." Logan rested his elbows on the bar and with a satisfying 'snikt' popped his foot-long adamantium claws. "Tack on a mutant healing factor and some enhanced senses and you'll find why most people don't like to throw down with me."

Riddick's hand had immediately gone to his shiv as the man called Wolverine popped his claws, but he relaxed visibly when it became evident that the action was non-threatening. He suddenly felt a twinge of relief at having picked the overmuscled, shirtless grease monkey with the lisp and bandana as his mark. "Those would come in handy," he smirked.

Logan chuckled. "They do."


	2. They Talk

Disclaimer - I don't own them

Disclaimer - I don't own them.. have mercy on me.

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Of Shiv and SNIKT

Chapter 2 - _They Talk_

They then entered a period of companionable silence during which several beers were demolished and a couple of the less timid stool-seekers glared down into mewling puddles of goo. Then one of Riddick's pockets began to buzz.

"Fuck." Logan only raised an eyebrow as Riddick groped through his pockets, cursing up a storm until he finally came up with a ridiculously small bit of metal which was beeping very loudly and very annoyingly. He glanced apologetically at Logan as he flipped the device open, revealing a small ear and mouthpiece. "Jack never lets me set the damn thing on vibrate…" 

"What? …. No….. Because I'm busy." Logan started smirking as his sensitive hearing picked up tones from the receiver. "You don't need to know…. Jack, lemmie talk…" Logan's smile widened as the speaker on the other end started giving Riddick and earfull. "Jack…. **JACK**….!! Not yet, later! Now get a fuckin' grip, I'll be home soon enough." The voice on the phone lowered to tones too soft for even Logan to hear, but he already had a good idea of what was going on. "Damn!….. No….. Forget it…. **sigh.. **Alright, but only this once…" Riddick then proceeded to turn his back on Logan, mumble something rapidly into the phone and then hang up as quickly as possible. Turning back to his companion, all he saw was a huge, feral grin.

"What's so funny?" After what he had just been through, Riddick was in no mood to be mocked.

"You poor bastard, lemmie buy you a drink." Logan gestured to the bartender and then turned back to Riddick. "They gave you one too."

"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, old man." Riddick gratefully accepted the fresh pint, taking a huge, stabilizing gulp. 

"Just be thankful you don't exist in more then one form of media, like me. I have TWO (and let's not even go into fanfic here)!"

"Two what?"

"Two 'Jacks'."

"Huh?"

"Look, I'm assuming here that 'Jack' isn't a boy, because if he is, well, then you and me are gonna have some words…"

"No… no… Jacks a girl…. but I don't like what you're implying…"

"Forget it… young, isn't she? Cute and spunky? Gonna make a hell of a woman someday? Your general busybody pain in the ass?"

"Yes to all and absofuckinlutely to some."

"I have two of em…. two 'Jacks.' Three if you count Kitty, but I usually don't…." 

Logan looked closely at Riddick who clearly didn't know what the fuck the Wolverine was talking about. "Shit, you're probably half-smashed by now…. I tend to forget that not everyone is cursed with a healing factor… Lemmie try again…. this may take some time."

Riddick looked at his watch and then looked at the little phone surrounded by soggy pretzels in a beer puddle on the counter. "Fuck it…. I need a good story."

Logan clapped his hand on Riddick's shoulder. "Bub, it's OUR story." Looking at Riddick's semi-glazed expression, Logan began…"Lemmie assume a few things about you, my friend. To begin with… well shit, let's just start a list, shall we? Logan grabbed a stack of napkins then stole a pen and slapped the rear of a waitress before be wrote down the following:

1)Baddass

2)Good woman/Lost

3)Physical and Emotional Pain - Extreme

4)No purpose in life/struggle for humanity

Logan shoves the napkin over to Riddick who looks at it blankly for a moment. "Are we clear on these first four points?" Logan asked. Riddick nods slowly. "Baddass, check. Good woman lost forever. Check. Those bastards made me lose several, great women, all of them! Extreme pain, physical and emotional, check and check. It never stops raining shit no matter what I do! Struggle for humanity…. I was fuckin' feral for YEARS! Livin' in the damn woods like an animal! Aimless as all hell!" 

Logan's voice had raised about 50 decibels with every sentence. He pulled out another cigar and lit it angrily as Riddick's finger slowly traced the lines of ink on the napkin. "Goddamn writers."

"What the fuck does all this shit mean?" Riddick's voice was dangerously quiet. He turned towards Logan shaking a clenched fist holding the napkin in his face. "What the FUCK does this SHIT MEAN!?!"

"It means that we're the ones they torture." Logan puffed his cigar pensively, almost sadly. "First they rip everything away from us and then…. then they make us _care_." 

"Fuck me." Riddick settled back into his stool with a thunk. "Fuck me."

"It gets better." Logan pulled another napkin forward and wrote:

5)Life and Death Situation

6)Enter Kid. Cute Kid.. Way too fuckin' young for you kid.

7)Save Kid or Kid saves you, either physically or emotionally.

8)Stuck with Kid who LOVES you.

9)Trouble is, you love the kid.

10)But you're a baddass!!

11)Kid doesn't care - won't leave

12)TOO YOUNG FOR YOU

13)Get my point?

He passes the napkin over to Riddick who reads it, sets it on the counter, reads it again, and then starts barks a short, inhuman laugh full of bitterness and self-loathing. He downs the rest of his pint, heaves a huge half-laughing sigh, then looks towards Logan. "So what do we do?"

"What can we do? We're stuck how we're written! Loving the girl, hating ourselves for even wanting the girl, or her love. We're screwed."

"How did they manage to saddle you with two?"

"I'm in two main medium, comic and movie. I'm just happy they didn't give me a third in the cartoon!"

"Tell me about them."

Logan looked at Riddick quizzically. "Why?"

"I need some pointers from an expert." Riddick grinned. "Since it looks like I'm stuck with her, I may as well ask for help from someone who understands."

Logan looked into his beer and began talking. "Well, the first time I had an inkling of anything like this, it was with Kitty. Smart girl, but not an orphan, not _clingy_… just got herself into a bad situation and needed a friend. No problem. A few years passed and I didn't think anything of it…. only now I realize that it was just a bunch of damn foreshadowing!" The back of his hands itched just thinking about it. 

"When Jubilee entered the picture, I was in pretty bad shape. She saved me in more ways then one… she still does in a lot of ways, whenever those fuckin' puppet masters actually let me see her! I got to keep her around for a few great years; she was my touchstone. Beautiful, Chinese with crystal blue eyes. Heart bigger then anything. Slim, athletic, brave and smart as a whip." Logan waved for another round. "God I love her."

"What does she think about the other two?" 

"Jubes hates Kitty, but they work together pretty well when they have to. Got me out of a rough spot a while back." He chucked some money at the bartender and reached for the pretzel bowl. "Marie's a different story altogether."

Riddick took a swig of his new beer and eyed Logan's pretzels. "Howzzat?"

With a sigh, Logan snagged a handful before pushing the pretzel bowl down the bar to Riddick. "Marie is from the movie; Kitty and Jubes are in the movie too, but we don't have the same history. Shit! They're barely the same characters!"

"Interesting." Riddick managed to say around a mouthful of stale pretzel.

"It gets better. Marie is also called 'Rogue.' She exists in my _comic_ reality, but we don't have the same kind of relationship… and she isn't a kid. In the movie, however, she's this runaway that I develop a bond with…."

"Sounds familiar, " said Riddick around an exhalation of pretzel dust.

"No shit. Anyway, this girl has killer skin…"

"Great complexion?

"Yeah,….but no! Killer skin in that you touch her she sucks your body and mind dry!"

Riddick looked up…. "Ugh. That's…horrible! Can't your healing factor compensate though?"

Logan glanced over at Riddick. Kid wasn't as dumb as he looked. "Nah. She's too strong. Hasn't killed me yet, but sure puts me out of commission for a while."

"Bummer." Riddick reached for his beer. "But at least that stops you from touching her, right?"

"Wrong. No one touches her besides me, really. Can you imagine what it's like to go through life without being touched by anyone you care for? I wouldn't put her through that. There are ways around direct skin contact…." Logan trailed off, snagging back the pretzel bowl and shoving more of them into his mouth then could possibly fit at once.

"Teenager?"

"Yeah," Logan mumbled. "Maybe seventeen if I'm lucky."

"We're too fuckin' old."

"Yeah."

"We're really screwed."

"Yup!"

"Would Marie happen to have a white stripe in her hair?"

"Howdja know?" Logan looked up surprised, eyes following Riddick's pointing finger to the doorway where, to his surprise, Marie was standing next to Jubilee. Comic Jubilee. "Shit!"


	3. They Panic

RiddickLogan3

Disclaimer: These guys aren't mine, unfortunately… don't sue me.

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Of Shiv and SNIKT

Chapter 3 - _They Panic_

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"LOGAN!!!" The shouted duet from the doorway was so shrill it probably gave some deaf guy in Calcutta a headache. Lord only knows what it did to the Wolverine's sensitive hearing at close range. As both girls cut their way quickly through the crowd, Riddick couldn't help but notice his companion's eyes searching in vain for the quickest possible exit, looking for all the world like a cornered beast. "You Poor Bastard," Riddick said and turned toward his beer. He didn't want to make eye contact with either of these girlies. 

"Hey Wolvie, man! This cheap Rogue wannabe claims to know you from a time you picked her up at a bar in Canada! _And_ she says you saved her life…. twice! _And_ she says you gave her your dogtags while pulling a whole 'Arnie from the _Terminator_' moment on her! What the fuck is she talking about?!" Jubilee paused to pop her gum and give Riddick, who had started giggling into his pint, a dirty look. "And whachu laughin at cueball?"

"Jubes, relax!" Logan pleaded. "I can explain…"

"Loooooogan!" Marie whined. "Why is Jubilee claiming to have rescued you from a _cross_ of all things and then traveled across all of Asia with you? She's been saying so many things that just can't be true! Why would she say these things, Logan!? Ah don't understand!" She then proceeded to duck her head and chew her lip prettily, letting her hair fall forward. She looked very forlorn.

Jubilee just looked at her with arms crossed and an expression of disgust. "Oh puh-leeeeeze! Give it up, ho-kitty!"

By this time, Riddick was laughing so hard tears were squeezing out of his eyes. He clapped a hand on Logan's shoulder. "You, my friend, have problems I can't even begin to relate to!"

"Thanks," Logan said bitterly. Turning to the bickering ladies he said very loudly "Girls!" It didn't get their attention. "Girls!!" Nothing. Finally, he leaned forward and grabbed them by the waist, drawing them onto his knees. "Now girls, listen to me. Both of you are right."

"Huh?!" They wore equal expressions of incredulity.

"Marie, the events you describe belong to the Movie; Jubilee, your history with me is from the comic book."

"Yay! That makes him mine! Woo-Hoo!!" Jubilee jumped off Logan's knee and did a pirouette while flashing fireworks. "YAY for ME!!!"

"Logan!!" Marie was frantic… and clingy. "Tell her that Ah'm the only one for ya!"

"Comics predate the movie, you knock-off bimbo! I had Wolvie all to myself YEARS before you even existed!"

"Rogue is in the comics." Logan interjected.

"Not this Rogue! Marie my ass!…. You're mine!" Jubilee started to drag the very attached (did I mention clingy) squealing Marie off of Logan's lap, nearly upsetting the entire stool in the process.

"Enough!" Logan rapidly hopped off his stool, dropping Marie onto her pretty, untouchable heiney and causing Jubilee's momentum to send her flying backwards onto a table where Genghis Kahn and Dracula were swapping stories. "The both of you had best just learn to deal with it! Now either leave or sit and drink a beer like civilized people!" He turned back to the bar. "Now you see what I have to deal with?"

Riddick sympethised wholly. "Lemmie buy you a beer!"

"How about some of those spicy wing thingies instead?" 

"If anyone deserves some, it's you!" They proceeded to ignore the whimpering and muttering of the girls tending to their bruised… egos.

Jubilee slid into the narrow space between Riddick and Logan. "That was way harsh, Wolvie." Riddick couldn't believe it. The girl positively _reeked _of bubblegum! She swiveled his direction. "Don't you know it's polite to give up your seat to a lady?"

Riddick barked a brief laugh and reached for his beer. "You aren't a lady." 

Jubilee visibly bristled and was about to yank off Riddick's goggles and shove a handfull of sparks into his cranium when Logan stopped her. "Not him, darlin'. Leave that one be."

Oh Logan's other side, Marie was pouting. "But there ain't anymore seats, Logan." 

"You have to fight for one." Riddick smirked. This was gonna be good.

"Oh! Is that all!?" Marie calmly glanced around the bar. "Ah'll be back in a jiff." She took a couple steps and then said over her shoulder, "Just to prove I can play nice, I'll get one for this three-color Jubes as well!" She sauntered off into the crowd leaving Logan chuckling, Riddick gaping, and Jubilee leaning back on the bar with a 'Humph'! She returned a full two minutes later, carrying two stools.

"Take these while I put my glove back on, sugah." Logan scooted to the very end of the bar and, somehow fit the two stools in the remaining space.

"Might be helpful if you moved some too, bub." He growled at Riddick. 

"They're both gonna want to sit next to you, y'know." Riddick was pensively piling the some chicken bones into a grisly pyramid; this evening had been full of surprises and revelations. He was getting tired of the whole thing.

"I'll sit in the middle. We can talk over Jubes."

"Fanfreakintastic."

After the hubbub of getting the girls situated, during which Riddick's bone pile doubled in size, there was a short moment of semi-comfortable silence. That is, everyone was comfortable being silent except for Jubilee.

"I want a drink!"

"O.K Darlin', how about a Coke?"

"I want a beer, Wolvie. We aren't in any reality here where drinking age matters, and I WANT A FRIGGIN' BEER!" 

"Y'know what, sugah? Ah want a beer too!" 

There was an audible sigh from Wolverine as he held up four fingers to the bartender. Soon, each of the girls were staring at a deliciously cool, overflowing pint of beer on the counter in front of them. Neither of them touched it.

"What a waste of good John Courage." Riddick snorted before taking a big swig from his own pint. "Even if you force it down, you girls won't really enjoy it."

Marie put on a hurt look while Jubilee turned on Riddick. "And just who the flamin' heck do you think you are, buster? I used to think any pal of Wolvie's was a pal of mine but…. your phone's ringing."

"What?" Riddick's responses were clearly impaired, either by the alcohol, Jubilee's ability to seemingly talk without breathing, or the untestable levels of MSG in the chicken.

"Don't worry. I'll get it."

"--- NO!!!" But even Logan's reflexes couldn't come between Jubilation Lee and a ringing phone.

"Hello?… This is Jubilee, who's this? … I don't know any Jack….. Riddick? I'm sitting next to a big dick and I sure as heck wanna get rid of him, does that count? .." Before Jubilee could do any additional damage, Riddick snatched the phone away from her.

"Jack… at the bar…. drinking… uh-huh…. uh-huh… no…no…she just grabbed it… no don't… no Jack… dammit, NO! " He hung up the phone and slammed it on the bar. "Fuck!"

"Was that your girlfriend?" Marie was always interested in other people's relationships; anything to not focus on her own.

"Yes. No. Yes. … FUCK!"

"He sure sounds confused, doesn't he Marie."

"He certainly does, Jubes."

"I think we need to know more. Lots more!"

"Ah think you're right!"

Before he knew what was happening, Riddick found himself sitting in between both girls with a laughing Logan still at the end of the bar.

Marie lay a tentative hand on his forearm. "Now tell us all about it, sugah."

"Yeah, bub! Spill the beans! We can't help you if we don't know what the problem is!" Jubilee leaned in, trying her best to look the part of a confidant, and failing miserably.

"Back off girls…. back OFF!" Riddick was clearly getting frantic. "Logan! Can't you get them to give it a rest!?"

"Would that work with 'Jack.'?"

"No." Riddick sounded like a little boy whose lollipop had just been stolen.

"Then I suggest you tell them the 'epic of Jack.' I wouldn't mind hearing it myself at the moment!" Logan said with a tweak of sadism.

"No fuckin' way."

"C'mon cueball! Maybe we can help!" Jubilee cracked her gum and somehow managed to lean in even closer. "Y'know we aren't going to leave you alone 'til we get the scoop!"

"She's raht! Ah want to know what's goin' on between you and this 'Jack' person too!" The girls caught each other's eye then looked up at Riddick "Pleeeeeze!"

Riddick sighed. These girls were too much! He might as well tell them about Jack; it didn't really matter anyway. "Fine."

"YAY!" The girls looked extremely satisfied with themselves. Jubes was so overjoyed she actually sampled her beer!

"It isn't a pretty story."

"We don't care, do we Jubes?"

"No way! Just start already!"

Riddick took a stabilizing gulp from his glass. "A transport we were on crashed on a desert planet full of beasties that only come out to play in the dark. There was an eclipse. A lot of people died; there was a lot of blood. We survived and got off that miserable rock. The end." 

"……….."

"That's not a flamin' story!" Jubilee was so excited she started waving her glass of beer in Riddick's face, sloshing some over the edges. "We want details! We NEED details! How'dja get off the rock if everything was dark and your ship was out of commission? Was it only you and Jack who survived? Where were you all heading in the first place? DETAILS!!!"

"Leave the man be, darlin'." Logan passed the remainder of the chicken wings down the bar to her. "Sounds to me like the details aren't anything you should be hearing anyway."

"But…"

"No buts!"

As Logan and Jubilee quietly continued to argue and demolish the chicken wings, Marie, her small, gloved hand still on Riddick's forearm leaned in to whisper, "Are you still together?"

Riddick looked at her. This girl was soft, feminine, but not vulnerable. She reminded him of the way Jack was when she didn't think anyone was looking; he liked her, so he whispered a reply.

"I don't think I could let her go if I tried."

Marie leaned back, satisfied, and began to take small sips from her beer. "Good," she murmured, "I like to hear happy endings."

"That's nice, girlie, but I think you're in my seat." Riddick jumped visibly, and all four turned to see the speaker. 

"This the chippie who answered your com, Riddick?" Jack asked.

"That would be her!" Marie hopped off her stool and went over to take Jack's hand. "I'm Marie, the mouthy one is Jubilee, and we're with him." She gestured towards Logan before proceeding to climb into his lap. 

Jack's eyes grazed over Logan briefly. "I don't see why," she muttered as she climbed up into Marie's recently vacated spot. Riddick reminded himself to try to teach her manners at some point in time.

"This Jack?" Logan asked Riddick with a raised eyebrow.

"The one and only."

"Cute kid." Riddick glared at Logan over everyone's heads, wondering what he was playing at. Meeting Logan's eyes he found only warm amusement and simple resignation to their shared plight. Riddick relaxed.

"Yeah, yours too."

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